I came across a good friend’s blog recently and didn’t tell her that I discovered it and how remarkable I found it. I mean I will tell her later; I think she meant to keep it secret and I would follow it secretly perhaps. So I was reading through her posts and I found this one about ‘golden tips for would-be brides’ as her friend had gotten married and her intention was to give her a few pointers for her married life.
Gems of wisdom they are for sure and I appreciate, definitely, as I always appreciated her intelligence and humor. I have written a ‘comment’ and a ‘jokes apart’ (serious) view on each of them as I found them quite intriguing. I miss her. So, here goes:
1. Never beat your husband, no matter how tempted you are because:
a. He is your husband
b. He is most probably your only husband
c. Log kya kahein gey?
d. It’s against the Human Rights Charter (Yes, the ambiguous document discovered in '47)
e. Since you will be in USA, he can get you jailed for this. Indeed US jails are not as bad as Pakistan's but what if they send you to Guantanamo Bay? Phir maza ayega?
Comment: True, she is advised not to beat her husband. But, there are situations when you cannot help it. Let’s consider the sexual aspect. He could be demanding it himself in bed. He asks for a whipping that apparently drives him crazy. I say ‘Go for it Girl!’ This way, she will not only fulfill his sexual desire but quench her own thirst to beat him up when he had made a face after taking a bite from her freshly baked Apple pie.
He cannot get you jailed! Just rip off your shirt, give yourself a few scratches and the next thing you know is that he’ll be on a flight to Guantanamo Bay himself! Bohut maza aye ga!
Jokes apart: A woman’s job is to give love in order to gain love. You are lucky if your guy loves and cares for you himself because of you, in that case, treat him well. Remember love comes with time.
2. Watch Desperate Housewives. They apparently have very crunchy lifestyles despite being home-makers.
Comment: Although, I am never interested in watching such shows and don’t even get time to watch them at all, but someone told me that the name of the show and the hype about it is over-rated. In any case, let’s make the husband watch Desperate Housewives. If you want a crunchy lifestyle, get it out of hubby darling. You can watch it with him in case he switches the channel or dozes off. Give him black coffee and whisper in his ear a special thing you will do that night in bed.
Jokes apart: A woman does not need a stupid show on the idiot box to make a crunchy lifestyle happen for her. Just go with the flow and develop a bond of friendship with your husband and you will be the best home-maker ever.
3. If you live with your in-laws, watch star plus soaps. They teach one how to steal, pretend to be the heroine yet back-stab, tackle infertility accusations, insults on God Barahi, infidel husbands, how to crush your bitch of a saas or saukan. Above all, how to pretend doing the household chores in one ton of make-up and designer Saree.
Comment: If you are living with your in-laws, you need to come up with ways and devise plots on how to get them kicked out of the house. Make sure the children do not get attached to dadi maa’s or phuppo’s. The writers, directors, producers, etc of these shows are basically social workers and running undercover Non-Profit Organizations that are heavily funded by secret US agencies. Their concern lies in the pressures that women have to face with their in-laws. Thus, they produce these shows to show them ‘light!’ How thoughtful of them!
Jokes apart: Do not waste time on these shows and work on your relationship with your in-laws. They are your husband’s family and now your own family. This is where your upbringing is displayed, seriously. Respect your parents-in-law as one day you will want your son’s wife to respect you too. Be friends with your sisters and brothers in law as they will be the ones to shower their love and affection upon your children. When you go back to your house, you would want the same respect and love from your own brother’s wife. This is the social circle of life. Give love and respect, and somehow or the other it will always come back to you. And remember, a healthy family is one’s greatest and most treasured possessions.
4. If your husband is over-sexed, show him a live performance by Rakhi Sawant. Precaution: Either he will become sexless or gay. So do it at your own risk!
Comment: This should be a piece of cake for a woman. Be Rakhi Sawant yourself!! Do not take the risk of making him watch that live performance.
Jokes apart: If he is over-sexed, enjoy it till you can and if he won’t cool down, make him go to a therapist or a counselor. And make sure the therapist/counselor is male!
5. Think you will have to serve him for eternity? Well I had an aunty who slept while her husband made the breakfast, prepared fresh orange juice. In fact he made an extra cup for her and placed it in the fridge. Now this is what you call a set-up!
Comment: Wow to her aunt! You might need a whip/rod if he does not serve you; or what you can do is that you pamper yourself all day, go to the top salon, get yourself facials, manicures, pedicures, body massages, full polishing, etc, buy yourself sexy lingerie, don’t attend to his calls/messages, come back home to find him waiting for you in a rough mood, give him a peck on the cheek and go for a long shower. Don’t cook dinner that night and tell him you are very tired after a long day and you ate something on the way (which you did), tell him he can order something to eat. Get into the sexy lingerie you bought and do not give him the slightest invitation, make him crave for you and go to sleep with your sexy ass turned towards him. Next morning, you’ll wake up to find ‘breakfast in bed!’
Jokes apart: Marriage means a division of responsibilities between husband and wife. He is serving the family by working and earning. A woman, although, has been working all day herself and been busy with the household chores and children’s homework and their moral upbringing, nevertheless knows she has certain responsibilities towards her husband too. It’s not about serving him; it’s about sharing and caring. Tell him you need occasional looking-after as well. Keep weekends or Sundays when he could make a glass of orange juice for you or maybe a quick 2-minute Maggie noodles, create a communicative environment at home so you know your husband is playing his part in the children’s upbringing as well and talk to him how there should be an equal distribution in everything they do in their lives. Care in order to be cared for.
Disclaimer: These tips have been improvised after observing other people (stuck in crappy marriages); implement them at your own risk!
Jokes Apart Disclaimer: Even after all this, your husband is not being or acting the way he should, then he is just a plain ass-hole and you need to get rid of him!